divorce

Should You Reevaluate Your Current Partner?

Martin Cooney

Dec 9, 2013 — 4 min read

Hindsight On Your Current Partner

Can you do the hindsight relationship test?

Hindsight does have 20–20 vision.

It’s a wonderful tool for reflection.

You should use it as a learning tool, not to beat yourself up.

Use it for clarity in areas of choice and future decision making.

Since I’m now removed from the past few years of marriage solitude with a ‘wife’ of 3 years, I’ve pondered that eternal question of just why it went so horribly wrong when she ‘appeared’ to be ‘the one’.

It’s been helpful to leverage the thoughts and input of friends outside those people who have been influenced by ‘her’ since they’ve been duped, in much the same way as I had.

The Reevaluation Process

One process that I often use is mindmapping since it allows ideas to freely flow and get plugged into an appropriate thought-bucket.

Since I already had my beginning thoughts from a few failed attempts in getting my wife to tell me her same reasons, I’ve used that as a starting point which you can see below.

the real us mindmap in the beginning — The Dream – Click for Larger View

Odd Behaviour Leads To Truth, Eventually

Now, over the past 3 years I’ve been called a sociopath, sex addict and a control freak with her evidence being that these types of people never admitting to being these types of people.

Damned if you do and damned if you don’t, huh?

And stitching together disparate and out-of-context events to somehow justify her wild accusations.

In hindsight and reflection, do these sound like an honest and open individual, working towards a successful marriage?:

Rarely (if ever) had pictures of the two of us together on her Facebook but was fine with friends and family?
Avoided, like the plague, any sort of self-improvement, if I had anything to do with it
- Usually then accusing me of being ‘controlling’
After 3 years together, openly admits her normal thought process is to be suspicious and she ‘look for clues’
Preferred to go out with their friends than with her husband
Physical intimacy was routine and rarely did she ever initiate – remember I’ve long been labelled a sex addict because I maintain it’s an important area for a healthy relationship.
- No need to take any action if it’s all my issue, is there? :)
Calls me a weak person because, on one occasion, I would have loved her company when I went to sell my car
Didn’t wish to participate in any talks with her son as he was also a non-participant at home, with me.
- I was told to sort that out myself
The list just goes on and on when it comes to a lack of action when I was involved in anything

After 2 years, here’s where our so-called loving relationship had devolved into:

the real us mindmap reality after 2 years — The Real Nightmare – Click for Larger View

So, Are You Still With The Person You Started With?

The moral of this story is one of reflection, learning, moving forward and keeping you both on track to success – before it’s too late (or unnecessarily protracted).

I do hope your current relationship is steaming ahead to success but not all partnerships are, are they?

While I constantly preach and strive for clarity in relationships, I stupidly trapped myself in one that I thought I could heal.

We all have doubts, at one point or another. That’s human nature, isn’t it?

It’s important to dispel the doubts by taking action. Any action to bring about clarity to enable you to move forward. That progress might be just yourself or, better still, for both you and your partner. In my case, it was the former which was a shame.

Do you both still have the same values in life you thought you started with?
Are you still mentally and spiritually connected?
Where are your mutual passion levels at, compared to when your partnership started?
Are you both working together, towards common life and relationship goals?
Has your inner love for your partner increased or decreased since you met?

Try The Hindsight Exerciser Yourself

It’s an interesting exercise though.

Sit down quietly and brainstorm why you came together with your current partner.
Take your time so you can jot down experiences and qualities.
- It can be an affirmation of your current love as well.
Over the next day or so, do the same exercise using the same areas and think whether things still apply or they’ve changed, over time.
Are you still with the same person you started with or better still, you both have evolved together?