arguments

The Ultimate Test Of A Relationship

Martin Cooney

Jan 1, 2012 — 4 min read

The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands – Alexandra Penney #quote

— Zen Living (@GeekandJock) January 19, 2012

Easy to say, challenging to do.

My second wife Pam and I are having quite a few challenges in the argument area lately and when I read the quote above, it made sense and gave me a few more thoughts on what I might think about doing, to improve our relationship.

You’re Going To Argue So Accept It

Personally, I think I’m reasonably ok in understanding how a relationship works.

That’s actually wrong of me, to do that though.

When I’m dealing with another person, it’s totally stupid of me to think for an instant that I’ll have the magic bullet.

I’m not a mind reader and it’s wise to let things play out to see where an argument leads.

They’re going to happen.

They happen when I least expect them and that has often got me bent out of shape.

For me and probably you, the surprise is the first thing that throws you off balance and into the downward negative spiral.

Find a level of acceptance to move forward

Understand You’re Stupid Too

There’s probably never a ‘right’ answer in an argument either.

Though one possible answer to the situation is to compromise through understanding the other person.

Why compromise?

Well, it’s both humbling as well as giving space to negotiate and reevaluate both sides.

You both can take a step back, breathe and look for a balance in the emotions and facts of what each person is endeavouring to convey.

You Both Win And Why

What’s the reason you’re in this relationship to begin with?

Let’s really hope you understand that it includes some of these reasons:

Happiness
Two is better than one for success
You’re two individuals in a partnership of one unit
You want your partner to know everything about you
There are no secrets
You both strive for better communication with the other
Relationship transparency is vital

Disagree with Respect

As I said before, I have got bent out of shape with disagreements.

I need to learn a better way.

Some of you might be in that same situation right now.

I found myself thinking I was being disrespected by Pam.

Hindsight is a beautiful thing.

Obviously this probably wasn’t the case but in the moment, it’s the strong sense of being the case hence the negative touts and subsequent negative vibrations.

Time to change that behaviour.

Gaining the realization that I needed to move out of this pattern, it was now time for a conscious determination to rethink. While I’m reasonably casual with most things, arguments is certainly an area requiring a shift in my thought paradigm.

I desired this to happen and that needs me to make a concerted effort.

Being mindful of this is a fantastic first step. I now stifle the previous desire to react and don’t.

With that few seconds of breathing space, my mind and thoughts now have more calm and to throw off the situation as trifling and petty.

You’d be surprised how this defuses the situation and pulls it back to where it needs to be – a ‘nothing’ situation. It doesn’t need to be said that harmony is far more consistent, leading to more love, more happiness and the ability for the relationship to grow and mature better than what it had been in the past.

It’s OK But Still Hold Hands

It’s OK to disagree as that’s how things will get out in the open. That’s a realization just in itself.

What’s holding hands do though?

Reconnect.
Make peace.
The other knows you’re serious about getting on with getting on and fixing and making things good for you both.
Your physical negative energy simply evaporates with the physical touch