affirmation

A Successful Relationship

Martin

Dec 16, 2011 — 3 min read

Our Relationship Beginnings

I’ve known my wife for nearly seven years, and we’ve never argued.

For a relationship to work, the core values must be the same for both people.

Ever.

When I first noticed this, I was blown away, as this was completely new for me; every other relationship I had been in had involved conflict.

Whether this change came about through personal growth or by finally meeting a compatible person, I have not been able to decide, but here’s the basis of how we work so well together.

How Do You Choose Your Partner?

For a relationship to work, the core values must be the same for both people.

Making that determination is not a verbal, intellectual process.

Your partner’s declarations of honesty, trustworthiness, monogamy, fiscal responsibility, etc. do nothing to prove the case.

Only time and experience can demonstrate such traits, and such knowledge arrives as intuition before it is verbalized.

You don’t even need to be able to articulate your own core values; the feeling of concordance with the other is enough.

Here’s The Magic

Here’s where the magic trick comes in.

At some stage, when you know deep down that you both have the same intentions, the same goals, that your values are in agreement with theirs, you can make the jump to completely trusting the other.

Now there is no need to monitor or control their actions for fear that they are not in your best interests. And when your partner does the same for you, an amazing thing happens.

It is possible to be free and open in a completely different way.

It is a qualitative change.

When there is no fear of attack, self-expression is no longer a risky action; instead, it allows you to reveal your true self. It is like dancing barefoot; if there are tacks on the floor, even one or two, it’s impossible to leap freely, but when the floor is clear, you can soar with no limits.

We have called this the 100% factor.

Acceptance – Rinse And Repeat

In order for this to work, it takes complete acceptance of your partner.

No complaining about toothpaste tubes, untidiness, or shopping.

Remember, your goals are the same.

Any disagreements are only about the route, and the resolution is to say what you think and feel, not what your partner should do or have done.

By such exchanges, the positions and understandings of both people change until a mutual choice is reached.

Forget The Past And Enjoy

It is important to let go of expectations and projections of what might be.

That means that what is happening right now is what is real; the past is done, over, no longer exists except as a memory, and the future is only hopes and fears.

Only by being present can you fully experience your partner for who they are, and at the same time, be real for your partner.

By offering your true self, you enhance your partner’s trust in you.

This is a virtuous circle and leads both to more intimacy and more autonomy simultaneously, a very paradoxical pairing.

That slow, smothering sense of losing oneself and one’s identity never appears; instead, an ever-increasing sense of richness and freedom grows.